The A List

Because March Madness is almost over, and the next time you’ll see brackets again will be for the NBA Playoffs in May, I’ve decided to scratch your tournament itch with a special treat: The Kingdom’s APRIL EXTRAVAGANZA!

The Extravaganza features 64 well-known (some better-known than others) celebrities vying for one goal – to be the ultimate celebrity entity (according to the Kingdom).

Over the course of the next month, my bored ass will wind down the field and your bored asses will read along until 64 becomes ONE.

The four regions are organized as such:
The Los Angeles Region – featuring male athletes with #1 seed Kobe Bryant
…with the winner facing the winner of…
The Long Island Region – featuring various females with #1 seed Mariah Carey

The Brooklyn Region – featuring movie stars and hip-hop artists with #1 seed Jay-Z
…with the winner facing the winner of…
The Washington, D.C. Region – featuring TV characters with #1 seed Jack Bauer

In true tournament fashion, there will be upsets. How will your bracket fare? Who’s in YOUR Last 4?

Let the EXTRAVAGANZA begin!

First Round: March 31-April 3
Second Round: April 9-10
Ecks Vee Aye: April 14-15
Extravagant 8: April 21-22
Last 4: April 28
Coronation: April 30

ROUND 1 – DAY 1
Los Angeles Region – 2 Michael Jordan vs. 15 Mark Prior
#23 has 6 championships whereas #22 hopes to someday complete 6 full seasons. This match-up never even occurs as Jordan shows but Prior’s too injured to compete. Michael Jordan heads to Round 2 by forfeit.

Long Island Region – 1 Mariah Carey vs. 16 Jan Levinson
Levinson, of The Office fame, is far too unimportant to the general populace to be of any match to Ms. Carey. Jan’s craziness leads her to date Michael Scott (5 seed, DC Region) while Carey’s craziness (circa 2001) made major headlines nationwide. The crazier, the more popular, the better. Mariah moves on.

Washington, D.C. Region – 3 Zack Morris vs. 14 Joey Gladstone
One scored Kelly Kapowski, the other did a mean Bullwinkle voice. Sneaky schemes vs. lame jokes. No upset here. Zack cruises into the next round.

Brooklyn Region – 5 Will Smith vs. 12 Snoop Dogg
This one’s a toughy. In the recent history of the NCAA tournament, 12s have beaten 5s (save for this year). It’s almost not an upset. Will Smith has some catchy songs, classic dance moves (see Men in Black theme & Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It) while Snoop crip walks as he rolls down the street sippin’ on gin & juice and droppin’ it while like it’s hot. As far as movies, Will has ID4, MIB, and The Pursuit of Happyness (to name a few) to make up for Wild Wild West, while Snoop’s got just Baby Boy & (gags) Soul Plane. Will’s Oscar nomination puts him over the top, and he avoids the upset into Round 2.

Long Island – 8 Halle Berry vs. 9 Britney Spears
Funny how the craziness theme permeates through this match-up. Halle Berry played a crazy woman in Gothika while Britney is straight up crazy. Halle divorced her husband for being addicted to sex (um, YEAH, who wouldn’t be after marrying Halle Berry), and Britney has been dumped twice (K-Fed & JT) while dumping just Jason Allen Alexander (who?). In a fight, Britney’s crazy enough to win. In a footrace, her baldness makes her more aerodynamic. Britney races her way into Round 2 past Halle in a close call.

Brooklyn – 4 50 Cent vs. 12 Nelly
Nelly’s got a bigger crew with his St. Lunatics, but the G-g-g-g-g-G-G-UNIT packs AKs and sawed-off shotguns. Nelly wears those STUPID grillz while 50 rocks those SEXY ASS, square-cut wife-beaters. 50 MANHANDLES Nelly intimidating the HELL outta the Fresh Prince before their Round 2 match-up.

Washington, D.C. – 6 Superman (Dean Cain) vs. 11 Joey Tribbiani
Joey gets on the board early by scoring with a new girl almost every episode while Superman just TRIED to get with Lois. Superman, however, has X-Ray vision and can fly. Joey was damn good on Friends, but his own self-titled show was a flop. Superman carried The Adventures of Lois and Clark. Joey tries his damndest, training for the match-up by fighting Ross and Chandler, but Superman trains by saving the world. No matter what Joey throws at Superman, it’s a “moo” point. Winner in a landslide: Superman.

Los Angeles – 7 Derek Jeter vs. 10 Alex Rodriguez
A-Rod’s got more MVPs, but Jeter’s got more rings. Jeter’s gotten with the Long Island Region’s #1 seed (in her prime), Vanessa Minnillo, and the Indian Miss Universe, and he’s STILL single. A-Rod’s married to some no-name. Jeter is clutch while A-Rod disappears when it counts most. This is a tournament. Jeter’s clutch moves him on to Round 2 with ease.

ROUND 1 – DAY 2
Brooklyn Region – 1 Jay-Z vs. 16 Adam Sandler
“The Roc is in the buildin’!” vs. “Chlorophyll? More like… Bore-ophyll!” If it was only that simple, we’d have the first 16 seed winner ever! Alas, it’s not. Sandler made Little Nicky saying “Popeye’s chicken is f*cking awesome.” Jay-Z agrees… naturally. So that’s a push. Also, Hard Knock Life and The Life & Times of S. Carter tie Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison. Sandler made “Big Daddy” while Hova had “Hey Papi.” Still deadlocked. Jay-Z think he has home field advantage being in the Brooklyn Region, but Sandler starred in SNL which of course is “Live from New York.” While Sandler’s gun goes “Click,” Jay-Z’s goes “bang.” Fortunately for Sandler he’s “Bulletproof” (movie with Damon Wayans). Jay-Z’s “Big Pimpin’,” but Adam goes on “50 First Dates.” So after quadruple overtime, the deciding factor… Jay-Z’s most recent album title. If you don’t know what it is, click here, and you’ll see why Jay-Z’s got “99 Problems,” but moving into Round 2 ain’t one.

Long Island Region – 4 Eva Longoria vs. 13 Aisha Tyler
Aisha Tyler has been in Talk Soup, Friends, and 24. She graduated from Dartmouth, has written a book (Swerve, which I thoroughly enjoyed), and is pee-your-pants funny. Eva Longoria is engaged to Tony Parker (I think I just threw up in my mouth). With those facts alone, it seems we would have an upset on our hands. Unfortunately, very, very few people know who Aisha is, and cannot afford to have her break their brackets. Plus, have you SEEN Eva Longoria?! The Desperate Housewife moves on.

Washington, D.C. Region – 7 Chandler Bing vs. 10 Danny Tanner
Danny raises 3 kids. Chandler bones Monica. Danny works for a morning TV show (a lame one at that) while Chandler works in statistical analysis and data reconfiguration (what?). HOWEVER, Mr. Bing moves on to advertising and scores major points with tournament director Mr. Guevarra. Throw in the use of sarcastic humor as a defense mechanism, and you have me 15 years from now. If this was Matthew Perry vs. Bob Saget, Saget would win easily. However, as fictional character, could this BE any more one-sided? BING… on to Round 2.

Los Angeles Region – 6 Sammy Sosa vs. 11 LeBron James
Yesterday’s match-up of A-Rod vs. Jeter brought forth the issue of clutch performances in this tournament. Whereas LeBron James disappears at the end of games (except curiously against the Bulls on Saturday. Coincidence? Maybe. Or maybe he read The Kingdom), Sammy disappears at the end of his career. Sammy takes a huge swing at LeBron and knocks him out. However, the bat is found to be corked, and Sammy is disqualified. Further investigation indicates that Sammy has no visible traces of testicles either due to steroid use (also grounds for disqualification) or perhaps because he is a woman (pitting him in the wrong bracket). Either way, LeBron sneaks into Round 2 as a result of a disqualification.

Long Island – 5 Tyra Banks vs. 12 Monica Geller
Monica Geller: regular forehead. Tyra Banks: forehead so big it should be called a fivehead. Monica Geller: anal-retentive chef. Tyra Banks: crazy hot former Victoria’s Secret Angel with TWO widely watched TV shows. Through thin AND THICK, Tyra in money in the… (insert lame punchline here). Tyra moves on to the next round.

Brooklyn – 8 Hugh Jackman vs. 9 R. Kelly
Wolverine vs. The World’s Greatest. One who has a body made of adamantium, can heal quickly, and has claws that come out of his knuckles. The other simply BELIEVES he can fly. Also, while R. Kelly tries to act as something like 10 people in the “Trapped in the Closet” saga, his voice is pretty much always the same. Hugh Jackman, however, has a MEAN American accent. While R. Kelly’s affinity for teenage girls scores him points with the tournament director and is duly noted, on the basis of ability to change voice along with other aforementioned superpowers, Jackman claws his way into Round 2.

Los Angeles – 3 The Rock vs. 14 Allen Iverson
Iverson is listed at 6 feet tall and 165 pounds. The Rock is 6’7, 235. Iverson, Georgetown QB. Rock, University of Miami, defensive end. The Rock pummels Iverson into submission with the flick of a finger and the raise of an eyebrow. Sexiness will play a major factor in this tournament. No stick figures allowed. The Rock, no stranger to Hollywood, feels right at home in the L.A. Region, and walks his way down a red carpet into a Round 2 match with BronBron.

Washington, D.C. – 2 Jack Shephard vs. 15 Clark Kent
It should really be “DR.” Jack Shephard (of Lost fame). Tom Welling’s version of Clark Kent is a huge wuss who couldn’t score HOT ASS Lana Lang (aka Kristen Kreuk). While Jack hasn’t necessarily boned Kate (6 seed, Long Island Region) YET, he’s only had 3 seasons to do so. Dr. Jack saves lives using random jungle resources and a few leftover medications. Clark uses superpowers. Round 2 is only big enough of one version of Superman (the grown one who wears a cape), and it certainly bodes well to be named Jack. Jack has home field advantage and chooses the Lost island, Clark mysteriously loses all his powers, and the whole Lost crew joins in and kicks the crap out of Clark mistaking him for an “Other.” Dr. Jack coasts (get it?) into Round 2.

ROUND 1 – DAY 3
Los Angeles Region – 5 Scottie Pippen vs.12 Vince Carter
When you talk about these guys, two huge dunks come to mind. Pippen jammed in the FACE of Patrick Ewing, and that was pretty damn awesome. But when you talk amazing dunks, nothing compares to Vince’s Olympic jam over that 7-foot French dude. I mean straight OVER him. Don’t believe me? Want to see it again? Click here, and don’t wonder why Vince is leapfrogging Pippen (and his 6 rings) into Round 2.

Long Island Region – 2 Brooke Burke vs. 15 Maria Sharapova
If you’ve seen that cool camera commercial with Sharapova, you might feel inclined to pick her over Burke. I know I was. However, after hosting a bevy of TV shows, starring in those workout ball infomercials, and being just plain hotter (it’s due to that ambiguous ethnicity thing), Brooke cruises into Round 2.

Los Angeles – 4 Brian Urlacher vs. 13 Shaquille O’Neal
Despite Shaq’s four rings, ‘Lach has done so damn much for the city of Chicago without even winning the big one this past February. Former Bears Roosevelt Colvin and Warrick Holdman used to say that Urlacher was the best basketball player on the team. I don’t think anyone can say that about Shaq’s football abilities. Of course, I wouldn’t wanna be tackled by him, but if you’ve seen the size of his wife (she’s tiny), the fact that she hasn’t been broken in half yet makes me question how dominant the big man is. Urlacher mauls O’Neal after O’Neal realizes that Shaq Fu doesn’t work. Vince Carter might be the next Urlacher NBA victim in Round 2.

Brooklyn Region – 6 Jack Nicholson vs. 11 Will Ferrell
Ferrell is ridiculously funny. There’s no denying that. His performances in Anchorman, SNL, and Elf were legendary. It’s a resume that could rival just about everyone in this region… except of course, Mr. Oscar, Jack Nicholson. Jack has played a rebel, an obsessive-compulsive writer, a cop (a couple times), an anger management counselor, and a Batman villain. He’s funny, scary, intimidating, charming, and all-around awesome. It doesn’t hurt that he’s a Lakers fan either. Score another Round 1 victory for guys named Jack. The many faces of Nicholson head to Round 2.

Washington, D.C. Region – 8 Jesse Katzopolous vs. 9 Ross Geller
Ross’ initial gameplan of trying to put Uncle Jesse to sleep by talking about fossils almost works, but Jesse’s heard so many boring stories in his years on Full House (see DJ Tanner) that he’s learned to fake falling asleep. He sprays Ross with insecticide (remember when he used to be an exterminator and his last name was Cochran?), then smashes Ross over the head with a guitar. Ross begs, “Have mercy!” An infuriated Jesse indicates that’s HIS line, finishes off Ross, bones Aunt Becky, and heads on to Round 2.

Long Island – 7 Alicia Keys vs. 10 Phoebe Buffay
A match-up of musical talents, Phebes takes the early lead with “Smelly Cat.” Ms. Keys retaliates with “Karma,” but since Phoebe is such a believer in karma, it actually serves to motivate her. Phoebe goes into ass-kicking mode (like she did on Monica & Rachel… AT THE SAME TIME), leading Ms. Keys to exclaim, “I KEEP ON FALLIN’.” Phoebe avenges Ross’ loss in a small way and heads into Round 2.

Brooklyn – 3 T.I. vs. 14 Jamie Foxx
I thought I had this one figured out. T.I., sexy as crap, awesome in ATL (go watch it… NOW!), and a load of hit songs on his resume. Jamie Foxx’s musical accomplishments aren’t as strong, but his acting resume has been phenomenal with his performances Ali, Any Given Sunday, and Ray among others. Oh yeah, and take a look at the title of his newest movie on IMDB. That alone should seal the win. With his back against the ropes T.I. bounces back (he’s the Rubberband Man, you know?) with everything he’s got. Everyone is in awe as these two knock each other out. Since neither man is the loser, the contest is deemed a tie, and both men move on to Round 2 against Jack Nicholson in a 3-way dance. Bet you didn’t see THAT coming.

Washington, D.C. – 1 Jack Bauer vs. 16 Cory Matthews
Does Cory even have a chance in this one? I mean really. The only reason this match is going last is so that if anyone arrived late to Day 3 of the tournament, they wouldn’t miss this quick bout. Cory: 7 seasons. Jack: 5 ½ seasons and running. Jack has saved Presidents, cities, and the country, the world, and has enduring Chinese torture. Cory couldn’t even avoid the wrath of Feeny. Boy Meets Gun, and Jack doesn’t even break a sweat advancing easily into Round 2. Can Uncle Jesse stop him? Guys named Jack are a perfect 3-0 in Round 1, and Day 3 ends with a silent clock for Cory.

ROUND 1 – DAY 4
Los Angeles Region – 1 Kobe Bryant vs. 16 Carmelo Anthony
The #1 overall seed in the tournament leads off Day 4 in a traditional 1-on-1 match-up against Melo, and everyone knows Kobe Bryant is the best 1-on-1 player in the world. Just ask Vanessa! In any event, Kobe’s got more rings, more scoring titles, more All-Star Game MVPs, a hotter significant other (Melo’s still engaged to LaLa from MTV, right?), two daughters, and basically beats Melo in every aspect of life… including The Kingdom’s April Extravaganza. Kobe moves on to Round 2 and awaits the winner of the D-Wade/John Cena match.

Washington, D.C. Region – 4 AC Slater vs. 13 Tim Taylor
AC could wrestle, play football, do ballet, and sing in a 50’s band. Tim could fix cars, raise kids, host a TV show, and grunt with the best of ‘em. It’s a tough call, but youth trumps experience here. AC’s just too athletic for Tim to deal with. Oh yeah, and he was bonin’ Jessie, not a bad consolation prize for losing the Kelly Sweepstakes. Slater joins Zack in Round 2.

Brooklyn Region – 2 Diddy vs. 15 Samuel L. Jackson
It’s amazing to me how every time I say P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, or Puffy in reference to Sean Combs, there’s someone there to get on my case about his name change. While Sam Jackson had “Black Snake Moan,” Diddy makes women moan with his black snake (see J. Lo). Diddy’s been in a marathon, branded the “Vote or Die” slogan, and is a true showman. Jackson yells all his lines (except, surprisingly, in Star Wars) and shows intensity in this competition, but Diddy just won’t go away… just like in real life. Diddy dances his way into Round 2 with non-stop energy that the aging Sam Jackson just can’t compete with. Take that, take that, take that.

Washington, D.C. – 5 Michael Scott vs. 12 Screech Powers
ZOIKS! With Zack & Slater already advancing, Screech is all alone. As a crazy, obnoxious nerd, Screech reminds Michael of Dwight, and Michael remembers how badly he kicked Dwight’s ass in Season 2 of The Office. Michael says, “I know a ton of 14-year old girls who could kick his ass,” making us all wonder, “He knows a ton of 14-year old girls?” Riding the momentum of that memory, and still having to avenge Jan’s loss to Mariah, Michael wins and heads on to Round 2.

Brooklyn – 7 Christian Bale vs. 10 Jim Carrey
Now let’s think about this one. If Val Kilmer’s lame-ass Batman could take down The Riddler, you know for DAMN sure that Christian Bale’s scary-ass Batman would MURDER Jim Carrey. The darkest Carrey’s been is just recently in “The Number 23.” Even then, Bale breaks out some “Prestige” magic, and his utility belt, and Jim Carrey has no chance. Bale is a killer, plain and simple. Sheer dominance as Bale moves on to face Diddy in Round 2.

Long Island Region – 3 Beyonce vs. 14 Ciara
Beyonce’s got all the right parts in all the right places. She’s “Irreplaceable.” I’m either “Crazy in Love” or “Dangerously in Love” with her because she’s a “Naughty Girl.” On the other hand, I don’t want any of Ciara’s “Goodies,” and because she’s “Like a Boy,” she’s disqualified from the women’s bracket. Another disqualification in the tournament? Seems like “Déjà Vu!” Enough with the lameness, Beyonce moves on to Round 2, and awaits the winner of the Rachel/Kate match-up.

Long Island – 6 Kate Austen vs. 11 Rachel Green
Highly anticipated match between two absolute HOTTIES! How these two are such low seeds is a mystery to me, and it’s a shame one of them has to go. Kate loses points immediately for hooking up with Sawyer before Jack. Rachel loses points for being on a break with Ross. Will this be a case of someone advancing by falling up? Kate gains points for trying to save Jack, and Rachel gets on the board by marrying Ross, having his kid, and not going to Paris. Hooking up with Joey somewhere in between shoots Rachel back down. She was the least funny “Friend,” and there was question as to whether she’d survive without her daddy’s credit cards. There’s no question Kate is a survivor. She’s got that killer instinct which is just what one needs to win in this tournament (see Kobe, Bauer, MJ, and Bale). By the way, I’m kind of a sucker for those teeth. I don’t know why, but I am. Lastly, Kate is cunning and smart; Rachel has “excellent compuPer skills” according to her resume. Brains, beauty, and attitude vault Kate into Round 2.

Los Angeles – 8 John Cena vs. 9 Dwyane Wade
John Cena is the WWE Champion; D-Wade is the reigning NBA Champion. Cena’s been in a movie; Wade has those stellar T-Mobile commercials with Barkley. Cena’s sexy as hell; ditto for Wade. Cena’s on Monday Night Raw; Wade’s game is just plain raw. Cena has won the Wrestlemania main event 3 times; Wade wears the number 3. With all the parallels, there’s one key factor. Cena’s got a rap album; Wade’s got his arm wrapped in a sling. Cena’s been hit slammed, kicked, punched, hit with chairs, thrown off ladders, and is still standing; Wade reached in for a steal and got hurt so bad he was crying. “The Marine” slams an already injured Wade through a table to make it official. In all honesty, would Wade beat Kobe in Round 2 anyway? At least Cena’s got a shot. Another main event win for Cena, and a date with Kobe coming up.

UPDATED BRACKETS
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ROUND 2 – DAY 1
Washington, D.C. Region – 4 A.C. Slater vs. 5 Michael Scott
I watch “The Office” A LOT, and as much as they refer to pop culture, both old and new, they NEVER refer to “Saved by the Bell.” What’s that about? Michael Scott has a girlfriend he shouldn’t have and a job he shouldn’t have. In that regard, he overachieves. Slater was also an overachiever, and he worked for what he got. In this tournament, hard work pays off. I also always loved how he called Zack “preppy” in every episode, had a long-standing rivarly with him, yet always joined in on the “fool-proof” schemes. Good man, good friend, good job gettin’ into Round Ecks Vee Aye.

Los Angeles Region – 2 Michael Jordan vs. 7 Derek Jeter
Recently, I read that the New York Yankees have ONE black player on their active roster: Derek Jeter. Newsflash, he’s half. Anyway, an inauspicious start for the Yankee captain. Jeter & Jordan – both team captains, multiple rings, extraordinarily clutch performers, sexy as crap, advertising icons, and possess phenomenal work ethic. Jordan, however, has 2 more rings, affiliations with 2 other teams (the Bobcats & Wizards), thus bestowing his presence upon those failing franchises, and is the man behind Team Jordan. Derek Jeter is just too young and inexperienced to keep up with the Jordan legacy. He’s not only in the shadows of Yankee legends, but Jordan’s as well. You see, DJ is a part of Team Jordan, and wears the Air Jordan logo on all his sports apparel. Because you’ll never see MJ wearing a silhouette of Jeter, it’s clear that Jordan OWNS Jeter (in more ways than one) and heads on to the field of 16.

Brooklyn Region – 1 Jay-Z vs. 8 Hugh Jackman
Bonnie & Clyde vs. “Kate & Leopold”. It seems as though Jackman has gone soft in Round 2, and Jay-Z exploits that. Hugh got to see Halle’s berries in “Swordfish,” but Jay knows first-hand that Beyonce is “Bootylicious.” Add to that the rumors that he was seeing Rihanna, and top if off with the fact that Jay’s not even that good-looking, and you’ll see why he’s going on to the next round. Hugh Jackman, on the other hand… was in “Kate & Leopold.” Unforgivable. The Dynasty continues.

Long Island – 3 Beyonce vs. 6 Kate Austen
Stone Cold Kate Austen will not let Beyonce join her man in the next round. Last week’s “Lost” catfight should have sealed it for me. Just do a Google image search of Evangeline Lilly for a sec, and get “Lost” in the hype. Then I realized the purpose of this tournament, the essence being… the BIG picture. Beyonce’s had a damn long career so far, solor AND with Destiny’s Child. She’s insane in “Ring the Alarm,” and crazy is always good in the Extravaganza. Recent discussions have also led me to realize that Beyonce has released like 10 singles/videos from the B’Day album alone – including Beautiful Liar with Shakira. I can’t get enough Beyonce. She can sing up-tempo songs, slow jams, dance like a fiend, harmonize, and… certainly induces my drool, in addition to other possible bodily fluids. Yeah, B! Ecks Vee Aye with her man, Jay.

Long Island – 4 Eva Longoria vs. 5 Tyra Banks
The battle of the chicks whose NBA boyfriends I absolutely ABHOR – Eva’s Tony Parker and Tyra’s ex CHRIS WEBBER. Wow, talk about overpaid, over-rated, soft players. Chris Webber is a big man who shoots and can’t rebound. Tony Parker is a point guard who can’t hit free throws and is a black French dude. That said, Eva’s got less trash to deal with. Chris Webber is the worst, and I respect Tyra for A) putting up with his crap and B) breaking up with him eventually. Tyra’s thickness dominates Eva. I like seeing her 3 times a day on 2-3 different channels, whereas I can only see Eva once a week, and maybe during (gag!) Spurs games. Tyra awaits the winner of the Mariah/Britney matchup in Ecks Vee Aye.

Brooklyn – 2 Diddy vs. 7 Christian Bale
Diddy takes the early lead with J.Lo versus Batman’s Katie Holmes. However, it is wisdom that wins this match-up for me. In Batman, Bale says, “It is not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.” Profound, concise, and applicable. Diddy’s most recent notable quote would have to be from the ProActiv ad when he says that it helps “moisturize my situation and preserve my sexy.” WOW! That quote gets funnier every time I hear it. The best part is that he’s dead serious when he says it, almost Batman serious. Almost doesn’t cut it. Go preserve your sexy elsewhere. Bale glides into Ecks Vee Aye.

Los Angeles – 1 Kobe Bryant vs. 8 John Cena
Cena stars in a movie, but he can’t act; he’s got a rap album, but he can’t really rap; and he’s the WWE Champ, but people say he can’t even wrestle. When you can’t do anything that you try to do well, and you have to go up against the guy that can do EVERYTHING, it’s impossible to win. Mr. 24/7’s been carrying the Lakers on his back all season, he’s dedicated to being the best ever, and he’s succeedig. Plus, the next round needs some version of Superman because…

Washington, D.C. – 3 Zack Morris vs. 11 JOEY TRIBBIANI!!!
The next round needs a version of Superman because… Superman’s not even in ROUND 2 anymore. In a surprise move by the tournament director, Joey has moved into Round 2, and will subsequently defeat Zack Morris on the following grounds (thanks to Miss Matrix): 1) Joey can drink a gallon of milk in TEN SECONDS, 2) Joey dressed as Superman to teach Ross’ son Ben about Christmas, besting Santa and “Weird.. Turtle.. Man,” and 3) he speaks FRENCH! As Matrix so eloquently put it, “what a combo,” and “joey outrules superman.” If you can “outrule” Superman, you can definitely “outrule” Zack Morris. As slick as Zack was, I think Joey might actually be smarter, or in his own words, more “wisdomous.” Actor, minister, and Christmas Superman Joey wins.

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6 Comments »

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  1. So it looks like these celebs are all at their top strength. I mean, Britney Spears means HOT ASS Britney (when we were in 7th) rather than bald-ass, knocked up by Federline Britney.

  2. it actually reflects an entire body of work. that is to say, britney includes hot ass and crazy ass britney. however, since she was hot longer than she’s been crazy, she’s a higher seed. same theory goes for sammy sosa.

  3. My elite 8:
    Kobe vs. MJ
    Brooke Burke vs. Mariah Carey
    Jack Bauer vs Superman
    Jay-Z vs Jack Nicholson

    Final 4:
    MJ
    Mariah
    Jack Bauer
    Jack Nicholson

    Championship
    MJ vs. Jack Bauer

    Winner:
    Jack Bauer

    Crazy Upsets:
    Lebron over Sammy Sosa
    Samuel L. Jackson over Diddy and then over Christian Bale

  4. Jack Bauer always wins…ALWAYS!

  5. LOL omg mariah carey owns britney spears dude.

  6. i think we might have a couple fruitful predictions there.


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